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Guns N' Roses: Chinese democracy

05/12/08 || Euthanatos

Well, here it is, boys and girls. After 14 million dollars (or so I’m told) and 15 years in the making, “Chinese Democracy”, the sixth and LONG awaited new Guns N’ Roses album has seen the light of day.

First things first. I have no fucking clue who plays what in this album, as there are a gazillion and one special guests, former band members, groupies, lawyers, potheads, Sebastian Bachs, what have you, in this thing. So I will be analyzing strictly the music portrayed here.

Secondly, I do not care for Guns N’ Roses, nor do I hate them. When I was around 13 years old, though, I loved them and wanted to tattoo their logo on my arm, something I am extremely thankful I was not of legal age to do. So while I can hardly stand Axl Rose nowadays, I am very familiar with all of their past work.

And, finally, to make things even better, I will do a track-by-track analysis, after all, after so many god damn years waiting, it’s the very least I can do for the dear Global Domination reader. Also, I will not review it in the official track list order. I’m going to random the fucker in my winamp and see what happens.

Okay, and we’re off! “Better” kicks things off, it is the second single off “Chinese Democracy”, the first one being “Shackler’s Revenge”, which came out for Rock Band a while back. Anyway, what matters is that “Better” is a really, really shitty song. Like the worst thing since HIV. It goes nowhere, somewhere between electronica and rock n’ roll, and it clearly shows just how lopsided this album is. It can’t be helped, with so many people (musicians and producers alike) coming and going, it’s only natural.

The next track is the aforementioned “Shackler’s Revenge”, which most people know by now. It starts with a really weird, but cool intro, and a wide variety of Axl Rose vocals in layers, and I have to say that is always something that was appealing about Rose; he’s a fucking diverse motherfucker, being able to perfectly make different voices. Anyway, while the chorus is catchy, the electronic effects tend to annoy the fuck out of the listener, and the song is way too repetitive. And boy, there is so much going on here, it’s like literally the entire Chinese population picked up an instrument and made a special participation. The solo is also real fucking shitty. Funny how having two great shredders like Bumblefoot and Buckethead does not mean quality. There’s a lesson to be learned there.

Enter the title track. A guitar makes the sound, surprisingly, of a dolphin (what is with that obsession anyway?), and after about a minute of bullshit sounds and effects, we get to a rock n’ roll riff. Granted, the production is terrible on this, and it makes the guitar sound artificial as fuck, like something out of a Nine Inch Nails album (I wonder if it’s Robin Finck playing here), and then Rose’s deeper vocals come in, while guitars and synths play little shitty effects in the background. Around the 2-minute mark is when the song finally starts to really kick in, and I have to say, it’s probably the closest to an old Guns N’ Roses song you’re going to get, but the “Use Your Illusion” type, not the “Appetite For Destruction” kind. Some interesting solos are also at hand, but, again, I have no idea who is playing them. Probably Jesus.

“I.R.S.” is next, and while that’s an odd name for a song, it’s actually my favorite of the album. I had actually listened to this a couple of years back when it was released in a shitty version by some radio station, and found it pretty cool. The bridge and chorus are insanely catchy, and the song as a whole is really well-written. My only beef here is that in the final mix, it sounds really fucking soft, there’s no heaviness, at least not the amount this song really deserves, and that’s a damn shame. And while the solo is okay, a Slash solo (yes, I had to say it) would have absolutely ruled the universe here. The solo towards the end, though, is really fucking cool. While I’m here, I’d like to point out that Rose sounds very good on this album. As in, as he was before, not that he hasn’t that obnoxious voice anymore. But yeah, either someone in the production made miracles, or this guy really still has his chops. Reviews from live performances have been mixed, so who knows.

“Street of Dreams” is apparently the song that was named “The Blues” before, and it’s one of the songs Guns N’ Roses had been playing live a while back. It’s something along the lines of “November Rain”, I guess, without the obvious epic, never-again-in-this-lifetime feel that the classic has. While not particularly interesting, it’s actually kinda gay, it could be featured in one of the “Illusion” albums, so no harm, no foul.

“Madagascar”, another one most people know by now (shit, most of this album has already leaked one way or the other), and I think Rose even played it in that atrocious, almost career-ending performance at the MTV VMA. It’s a really boring song with a shitty electronic beat that reminds me of PM Dawn. It’s that fucking bad, and Axl’s suffered vocals do no help at all.

“Rihad and the Bedouins” is a cool song name, and it’s pretty rock n’ roll on the whole, and Rose really should stick to what he knows best. I know he tried to jump on all kinds of bandwagons during all these years, going as far as getting bands like Papa Roach known to the world (and we’ll never forgive you for that, you fat, Botox-faced, balding fucker). The whole “Oh, my salvation, my frustrations” is pretty cliché and his vocals are way too god damn high and screechy, so the song really loses a lot of points there. It’s not a total train-wreck, but it doesn’t go anywhere interesting either. Let’s just leave it at that.

“Prostitute” begins just like a U2 song, which automatically makes me feel physically ill and mentally mortified at the same time. It’s a ballad type of song, although it’s not nearly as pretentious as I initially thought it would be. It’s actually one of the more radio-friendly songs here, and I could see it getting a lot of airplay and fandom even from people who aren’t fans of the band. It’s a well structured song, at least. Some nice orchestrations and good solos which aren’t over the top finish things off nicely.

Let’s go to “If the World”, which begins with a little Spanish guitars, followed by keyboards and a funky guitar, which is appealing. Rose’s familiar snarl comes in, a bit cleaner than in his former years, although he still pulls a more aggressive/emotional punch every now and then. The song is pretentious as fuck, trying to tie elements of all kinds, and it fails miserably in the process. I did like the guitar work, though. The “la la la” part is absolutely hilarious.

I think we’re about half-way done and I’m already exhausted, so I’m going to try and pick up the pace. “There was a Time” is also more mellow, makes me wonder where the fuck all the “masterpiece”, “classic rock” songs are. Probably in the rest of the 40+ songs Axl Rose allegedly wrote. This track is actually the longest one on the album, almost 7 minutes long, I guess you could call it “epic”, as it does have a lot of elements, but it’s a lot more successful than “If the World”, it’s actually a good track, has some decent solos, with some nice acoustic parts.

“This I Love” is a piano driven song, with some funny Axl scerams to boot. “Sorry” is a lot different from everything Axl has done, it kind of sounds like a cross from post-funky Faith no More and uh… something. It’s not bad, not fantastic, but reasonable.

“Catcher in the Rye”, Jesus Christ, this album doesn’t end. Just like the over-rated book (that’s right, I said it), the track is okay, but not really all that. As usual, mid-way through the rockin’ there is an electronic beat that comes out of nowhere. Seriously, what in the fuck, did Trent Reznor produce this?

“Scraped” starts with some ridiculous yells, I’m not sure if Axl is trying to mimic Queen or that chick he banged in “Rocket Queen”. Eventually it turns into a half-assed rock song.

Holy Heaven, I think that’s it. 14 songs, that’s roughly 1 song a year in the making, right? What in the fuck.

Let’s be fucking honest here. It did not take years to write this album. What Axl was doing was trying to get into whatever trend was hip at the time. But, as rock is a cycle, everything came right back to where it started, and he was left with 40+ songs that went all over the place. Electronic, nu metal, ballads, rock. Nothing sounds like old school Guns N’ Roses, though, and I’m pretty certain not even the original band members would make that a viability. It’s just been too long and Axl is just way too nutty. Sure, his talent for song writing is still audible in a few tracks (like two of them), but the end product is fucking basket case of an album, going nowhere fast, just bits and pieces of hired musicians and a giant-sized ego.

For the die-hard fan that would buy this even if it was 60 minutes of static, it makes no difference what I write here. For reasonable human beings, this is a half-assed effort at making a comeback. Guess what, you could have stayed right where you were, fruitcake.

The cover: There are apparently multiple covers, the one I have is the most famous one, the bicycle with Guns N’ Roses spray painted on a wall. It’s pretty cool, better than the “Illusion” ones anyway.

5 dreadlocks to hide a balding head out of 10.

Information
Released: 2008
Label: Geffen
Website: www.gunsnroses.com
Band
Axl Rose: vocals, piano, stalling
Dizzy Reed : piano, keyboards, backing vocals
Tommy Stinson: bass, backing vocals
Chris Pitman: keyboards, programming, backing vocals
Richard Fortus: rhythm, lead guitars, backing vocals
Ron “Bumblefoot” Thal: lead guitar, backing vocals
Frank Ferrer: drums
Buckethead: lead guitars
Robin Finck: lead guitars
Bryan Mantia: drums
Paul Tobias: rhythm guitar

Tracklist
01. Chinese Democracy
02. Shackler’s Revenge
03. Better
04. Street of Dreams
05. If the World
06. There Was a Time
07. Catcher in the Rye
08. Scraped
09. Riad N’ the Bedouins
10. Sorry
11. I.R.S.
12. Madagascar
13. This I Love
14. Prostitute

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